Insecurity
by Koyuki11
Summary: Tsuna finally has time alone to think about his life. While thinking, insecurities plague his thoughts, and he couldn't help but question his connection with his friends. "Can I trust them? Can I tell them my thoughts and feelings?" One-shot with an OOC Tsuna


Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn!

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**Insecurity**

Ever since he could remember, Sawada Tsunayoshi was always alone. No matter what he did, he was always separated from everyone else. Sure there were times when someone went to speak to him to just pass the time, but then the person stopped talking to him. It was all because Tsuna was known as Dame-Tsuna; he was horrible academically and athletically, not only that, he was also a coward, and he hated it. He hated himself.

Tsuna dangled his feet as he sat on the swings. He gently held the chains of the seat as he lightly swung himself forward and back. No one was in the park at the moment; it was just him. When was the last time he did this? When did he stop to have time by himself to just think? That's right, before Reborn came. He should feel appreciative that he had some peace and quiet, but he couldn't help it; he couldn't help but have some insecurity.

Other people had played with one another, showing each other their new toys when they were young children. They had races against their friends and laughed as they fell onto the grass. Tsuna had been watching people his own age having fun. He had been watching by himself, far away from everyone. He felt lonely; he wanted someone to ask him if he wanted to join their games. He wanted someone to sit by him; he wanted someone to talk to. He wanted someone to lean on, but most importantly, he wanted a friend. Why was he so alone? What made him be excluded? What made him be the anomaly?

Tsuna continued to swing himself back and forth. He raised his head as he heard a group of friends talking and laughing boisterously. He felt a small smile come onto his face since he liked seeing people happy. However, it slowly disappeared as a memory crept into his mind. Then his smile became strained.

For a very long time, Tsuna didn't understand how people could be smiling all the time. He couldn't comprehend how people could smile and laugh so much in one day. Not only that, but he didn't know how to smile. That was what he told himself. "No one taught me to smile." "Is smiling taught or something like instinct?" "How can people smile all the time? I always see them happy. How is that possible?" He wondered all of that and more. It seemed impossible to him; it seemed too foreign. How do you have that many things to be happy about? What do you even have to be happy about?

Tsuna looked down at his feet when the group of friends was gone. A friend; that was what he wanted the most. His ideal friend was someone he could talk to and depend on. It was someone he could lean on for help and express your thoughts and feelings to. Friends were people that made him happy. He had friends, however, he wondered how long they would stay friends. His grip on the chains tightened.

"Can I trust them? Can I tell them?" He thought this when he laughed at one of the jokes Yamamoto said. Could he? Can he? Tsuna had seen friends break apart whenever someone moved to a different town. They always say that they'll stay in touch, but in school it's different. The friends left behind seem quieter; they look saddened at the absence of their friend. At times, Tsuna felt lucky that he never experienced that. He knew that if he had friends, they would have to leave each other at a point in life. He knew that his heart would hurt so much if one of the little amount of people he trusted had to leave him. He knew that his heart would feel like crying as it became harder to breathe. He knew this and so he always placed a distance between him and the friends he has now. He never told them any secrets since they would leave him, intentionally or not. He knew that death always came on everyone and separation was inevitable.

Tsuna bit his lips as he tried to control his emotions. Was this the same thought process everyone had or was it just him? Was he the only one that thought about death so naturally?

He hated himself since he would limit his interaction with Yamamoto and Gokudera. He had put up a defensive wall around himself that would have him receive the least amount of damage when they left him. It was a defensive wall that plunged a blade into his heart. He hated himself when he did that. And when he hates himself, he feels guilty and depressed thus, making him inch away from Yamamoto and Gokudera.

Tsuna looked towards the sky as he blinked repeatedly in order to keep the tears from spilling. Whenever he's alone, he thinks about the depressing things in life. When he thinks about that, he becomes depressed. When he becomes depressed, he seldom speaks unless someone talks to him. It's all a cycle.

He would always be alone for his entire life. What would change that? Friends? Well, what would stop them from leaving him? There was nothing special about him that would make people want to be with him. There was no one before that would call out his name or ask him what's wrong when he stayed overly quiet. No one approached him to talk to him; no one stopped by to get to know him. So if there were nothing special about him, what would stop his friends from leaving him? What would stop them from following the crowd and isolate him as Dame-Tsuna? No one was there for him before so what's the difference?

Tsuna wanted to vomit; he felt so guilty for doubting his friends, but he couldn't help it. He always felt that they would leave even if they seem loyal and reliable. He hated separation; he loathed it. However, he had isolated himself from Yamamoto and Gokudera at times, but he would always come back since he wanted to feel the joy of having at least one person beside him.

He felt that he was selfish. When Tsuna was younger, he felt happy by just simply being in the same room as another person. He felt happy that there was someone sitting next to him at the table even if they didn't talk to him. That was why he disliked recess when the class went outside to play games after eating. During recess, there was no one sitting next to him; no one standing next to him either. However, now he wanted someone to be his friend. He felt selfish that he was no longer happy or appreciative that he was in the same room as someone else. He felt selfish that he didn't feel content with what he already had, even if it was little. So he hated himself even more.

Tsuna stopped his swinging and brought one hand to his lap while the other was rubbing his eyes. Just stop crying. It's pointless; you already cried so much when you were younger. Tsuna read stories where the person didn't cry because the water tanks in the eyes were empty; all the water was gone from crying all the time. So why was it unfair that the water tanks in his eyes were not empty? Why was it unfair that the water tanks didn't run out of water? Was it just because he had more tanks in his eyes? Why?

As the sun began to set, Tsuna tried to regain control over himself. He still had to walk home. If Nana or Reborn saw him, surely they would question why his eyes were puffy. And since Reborn notices the smallest of details, he would notice that Tsuna's sleeves were wet. But what could he do? Tsuna sighed as he got off the swing. Hopefully his eyes would return back to normal by tomorrow. Hopefully.

When Tsuna started to head home, he heard some noises behind him. It was footsteps, but he ignored it. _Probably some people taking a walk._ However, voices came to his ears, and before he knew it, people were shouting his name.

"Juudaime!"

"Tsuna!"

"Baka-Tsuna!"

"Sawada!"

"..."

"Boss!"

Tsuna turned around as he was almost tackled to the floor. His head moved like a bobble-head figure when Gokudera grabbed his shoulders and shook him repeatedly while asking him questions like "Did anyone hurt you?"

"Maa maa. Gokudera, calm down. Tsuna looks fine, right?" Yamamoto said while looking over the brunette again to check if he missed any cuts, bruises, or scratches. Tsuna was only speechless since his mind was still spinning from the movement Gokudera caused him.

"Sawada, Master Pao Pao said that you never came home from school," Ryohei asked in an unusually calm voice. But the voice was only restraining the worry that was threatening to explode. Tsuna looked confusedly at Ryohei since he was not registering the words.

"Boss," Chrome started worriedly. "You never returned home. We thought that someone kidnapped you."

"Eh?" Tsuna said while still not understanding the words. Why were they behaving like this? Why, for someone like Dame-Tsuna, did they feel concerned?

_Bam!_ Tsuna stumbled backwards but felt something underneath him. He sat up while rubbing his head. While this was happening, Gokudera broke lose.

"Teme! Why did you hit Juudaime for?" Gokudera growled as he took out his dynamites. Hibari grunted and turned away thus, further angering the storm.

Tsuna heard sobbing, and he turned around. There he saw Lambo trying his best to stop from crying. Then Lambo took a deep breath and yelled to Tsuna.

"Baka-Tsuna! Lambo-san caught you so give me candy!" Lambo yelled as he extended his hand towards Tsuna. Gokudera directed his anger at the cow-child.

"Shut up, ahoshi! Juudaime doesn't owe you anything!" Gokudera shouted while Yamamoto held him back.

"Maa maa," Yamamoto said, but that, in return, caused Gokudera to shout at Yamamoto. Chrome walked to Tsuna and kneeled beside him.

"Boss, are you alright? Your eyes are puffy," Chrome whispered since she thought that Tsuna didn't want the others to hear. Tsuna nodded his head and smiled in reassurance. Then that smile grew wider as he watched his friends interact with one another.

_Can I trust them? Can I tell them my thoughts and feelings?_ Tsuna started to laugh when he saw how close everyone else was becoming. Where was he in this circle of friends? He wouldn't think about that now; maybe when he had time alone like he had a few minutes ago would he think about it. But right now, he would enjoy the time he had before it was too late. He would enjoy the time with his friends before he was separated. He wouldn't tell them now since he wanted to feel happy. He would leave it till later, but when was later? Would later be never?

Reborn lowered his green binoculars; would Tsuna really think that he would be lonely for the rest of his life? Tsuna was surrounded by friends that cared deeply for him and would cry if he died. The little hitman had read one of Tsuna's thoughts before. One of the things Tsuna had wanted was a friend that would be able to cry if he died; that way, Tsuna would have lived a life that had affected at least one person, but at the same time, he didn't want his friends to cry if he died. His student was still too naive. He was still too insecure. However, unlike any other problem, Tsuna won't stop being so insecure just with the hit of a mallet.

Nope, Tsuna needed more than just one hit of a mallet. Maybe one hundred hits will do before his student learned that his friends are his_Famiglia_. They wouldn't leave the brunette even if they wanted to, not saying that they would want to leave Tsuna. Reborn would make sure that they wouldn't leave; he would make sure that they wouldn't move out of Namimori. He would make sure because Tsuna was his student, and the brunette needed to know that he deserved it.

Sawada Tsunayoshi, just look at you. You're smiling and laughing; don't say that you don't know how to. Smiling is learned by instinct because you can't help it when you're happy. You look better with a smile instead of with tears so trust your friends, lean on them because they need to lean on you too.

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A/N: This one-shot is actually based on my thoughts/insecurities which are being expressed through Tsuna (that's why I put OOC Tsuna in the summary). Except it's exaggerated to an extent. I don't feel this way now though so no worries :D

Thank you to those who read this one-shot (and author note)! And in advance, thank you to those who reviewed if there are any!


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